[note to readers: this entry got kind of long, windy and unweildy, but writing it was therapeutic so I’m going to post *mostly* unedited, *mostly* for my own benefit]
Living mostly off the grid, mostly apart from other Americans, there are times when I’ve felt very very distant from my former “yuppie-esque” life in DC. Many of the aspects of my personality and mannersims that don’t translate very well either to non-young adult Americans, from my overreliance on sarcasm, to the references to favorite sitcoms that effortlessly litter my everyday conversation with my closest friends at times seem down right foreign. With only a few minutes of Internet time a day on my Kindle, I don’t stay updated every minute with the news or social media the way I used to. I havn’t had a phone to send a text on since January. Other aspects of my formerly independent self don’t translate well to community life, so those have been reduced as well, although my perpetual clumsiness, despite efforts to rein it in, may have gotten worse.
So anyway, I’ve adapted, and at least proven again to myself that I’m still the person who’s always said that I can be happy pretty much everywhere. I am happy here . . . the Juba version of myself is content, and I’ve had brief visions of what it would be like to be more like the Juba version of myself more permanently, as a teacher, abroad or otherwise, and for a couple hours one day, I even pictured myself as a sister despite the overwhelming evidence that it would be very wrong for me.
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| I haven’t forgotten 30 Rock references, I just don’t hear or use them. This student, writing about how the animals “is about to go to there," still gave me a laugh. |
All these adaptations and musing have occurred with the underlying knowledge that I would be reentering most aspects of my former life in a short time. . . the constant connectivity, limitless entertainment options, intellectual and academic pursuits, and once again learning to recognize the inevitable Arrested Development or 30 Rock references my friends will drop in Gchat, text messages, and long conversations. When this world seemed most distant, my approaching reentry has inspired a bit of trepidation. I’ve committed to two years of study to get my Master’s, fully embedded in an American city. . . would I still find this fulfilling?
But motto, mantra, overarching life goal, that I’ve adopted (and actually applying to VIDES was what helped me to crystallize it), is to “do good, and be good at it.” It means, I want to, above all, do work that I believe has a positive impact on the world, and to do so in a way that uses my gifts, my ‘knowledge, skills, and abilities,’ in US Government speak, in the fullest way possible for the good of others. Underneath all my musings about the alternative Lauras, I’ve known that here, I am doing good, and for many aspects of it, such as working with the students who come from an Arabic background, I am indeed “good at it.” In others I’m just OK, and some aspects of my personality such as being too prone to analyze and observe, not prone enough to act, have not always made me the most effective volunteer I could be.
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| Master Schedule: 3 classes, 5 days, 6 periods per day, Wherever possible, 2 teachers per class . . . First Draft of many |
nerd/economist/project manager” self that thrived in DC. With relish, I gathered information on our objectives, scheduling constraints, considered how our classrooms functioned, the teachers taught, and our students learned. I weighed the pros and cons of tricky scheduling decisions and made the ones that I thought best balanced competing objectives and constraints. I used all my super nerdy Excel tricks to keep the “data” organized. It was halfway between choreographing a dance and doing a crossword. On the administrative side, I redid the “near-final” schedule every day this week when teachers were added, removed, or reassigned, and had a nice collaborative team going with Sr. Celestina as we discussed and negotiated different approaches. I’m reasonably certain we’ll be adjusting the schedule again for a yet-unknown reason, but instead of frustration, I am half-looking forward to incorporating new information and hopefully making a schedule that might be even better at using our available resources to promote the learning and sense of stability these young students need. Though I’m sure my thinking about the schedule, while good in some ways, probably has a few misconceptions built in as well.
In short, with this project, I was in my element in a way I never could hope to be in a classroom. This week was a gift for me. . It called upon my strongest abilities, allowed me to use them, and reminded me of the joy that comes when I am truly doing good and being good at it. It has helped me envision my future, and leading me to anticipate the opportunity to refine those gifts through further study and then use them in a mantra-friendly career insha’allah. My decision of a graduate program that will train me in both analysis and practical leadership has been affirmed. . . more than ever I feel called to work where I can study others’ situations with the perspective of an informed outsider, and humbly help others to be better at doing good. Meanwhile, my direct service experiences here and elsewhere will help me remain aware of what it’s like to be a “doer,” and remind me that for all an outside analysis can often see more clearly, so much also will be obscured by otherness.
The Catholic idea of a person having a holistic call or vocation has always made sense to me, and this week, in South Sudan, I was joyfully reminded of mine.
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